Thursday, May 13, 2010

Well that was awkward

I wish that I could say this story happened, while doing something awesome, like boozing while browsing WhyTheFuckdoYouHaveaKid.com but unfortunately, The Man & I were just in the kitchen cleaning up before bedtime.
Boo for boringness.
On what I thought was another routine evening, two things that should never ever EVER mix..Mixed..


Suddenly I hear Andy say "Ouch!!" and he starts to cry. I am a mom, so I know immediately what happened, I can hear it. He dropped something, or stubbed his toe. I can hear from the jumping sort of.. No, I cant hear..I just KNOW.. That whole "eyes in the back of my head" thing is a lie, it's all in the ears & soul baby.. a mama's just got that KNOW. You don't even need to be in the room & YOU KNOW what happened!! And if anyone tells the truth & admits it.. you were right on par, am I right moms???

So Andy comes to the door of the kitchen & I ask if daddy can kiss it, so I can finish what I'm doing.

"Babe..?... wanna see what Andy dropped on his toe???" 

I was not prepared for what I found in his hand.

Yes, if you can't tell, those are vagina balls.
Ben wa-ish balls with little pink pricklies on a string.
And yes, they are mine.

You see, when I was 18, I had a lot of guy friends. I now  know they all wanted to fuck me, but at the time, I thought we were all just really good friends & had a lot of fun together.
I had 2 male friends,who were best friends & lived together themselves who were purely that, friends. We hung out daily, we went dancing at night, crashed in the evening & always had a good time together.
I remember hanging out at their house one afternoon, while my boyfriend was working & a hilarious giggle fest occured due to my friends CRAZY dog. At some point, I must have butt dialed my boyfriend because next thing I know, my phone is ringing & he was screaming at me, what the fuck was I doing, at a guys house, giggling, OBVIOUSLY something was going on..
I got dumped, and he broke his fist punching a wall.
It was my senior year & we'd been together for quite some time, I bawled, sitting there on the couch where I had just butt dialed my teenage romance away & cried to my friends. I believe my two most upsetting parts of the break up were that I wouldnt have a prom date and that I really liked the sex we'd obviously no longer be having!

The solution to my problem? Going to a sex store "on them", and a guaranteed prom date by my ever helpful male friends. (And yes, one of them was my prom date, sweet guy that he was!!)

In retrospect, as I write this story.. well.. I'm a moron.. I'll just leave it at that.

Anyway, the sex store was filled with massive dongs & all sorts of fun stuff, including those little pink balls, above. I remember cracking up, what the were you supposed to do with them??  I mean, sex toys don't come with instructions, and many of them really need them!
So we got them, as a joke.

Now, they may or may not have been used, since I was 18, that isnt what this post is about.. It's about the fact that my not yet four year old is standing in the hallway, crying, holding my spiky pink vagina balls by their string.

Ryan, was in my bedroom, sitting amidst a pile of lube,.batteries, bullets & other sex toys that have been accumulated through the year squealing with joy. Thank gawd the good ol' purple dildo from that same shopping trip had fallen under the bed, where it was covered in hair, dust bunnies & most importantly, not being used as a sward to race through the house with, or to beat brothers with.

I quickly swept everything up I could in one swoop, making sure to get anything important, out of the way before it was spotted & wanted when Andy said "No, don't take those!!" as I told Mike to take the balls from Andy.


"WHY??" Which is his newest question, for everything..

What did I say?? What awesome choice of words did I have to use??

"Because they're dirty, Andy!!!"

To which he promptly said

"I want my dirty balls back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"


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8 comments:

  1. Oh...my...goodness!! That'll be a GREAT story to tell his girlfriend when he's a teenager!! Thanks for the laugh!!

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  2. LMAO ROFL that is hilarious. My kids have found my toys once or twice and i just put them away and tell them to leave it alone. they have no clue.

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  3. Buaaaaahhh ha ha ha!!! OMG I'M DYING.

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  4. bwahahahahahahaha OMG! LMAO... Oh wow... hahahhahahaha Oh My word!

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  5. Bwahahahahahahaha....the BEST story EVAH! The Best! I even read it outloud to my hubby. BTW, wanna get "toys" for free? Eden Fantasys has a review program.

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  6. AWESOME! I have a similar Story! LMAO!

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  7. LMAO. Glad the kids have not found my special hiding place yet.

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