My sweet baby Ryan. I remember his story like it was yesterday.. I doubt I've ever shared the full, very personal and long, story of my pregnancy, with him. But, in my blogging, and reading, of other moms, who have shared their struggles, and successes & I know that sometimes, sharing a story can inspire, encourage, or reassure others to know they aren't the only person who felt such a way or had emotions, so I'm going to share my story now as well.
So here goes!
July, 17th, 2007. Andy's first birthday. I was thrilled that by his first birthday I was back to pre pregnancy weight, my postpartum depression had finally been addressed & I was finally starting to feel like myself, not just a human maker/feeder.
About a week later, I was like "wait.. ((count)) huh..wait.. ((head scratch)) Uh..hm"
And I asked Mike to grab 2 pregnancy tests. I doubted it, because Andy was still nursing, full time. But, after having one, women learn to POAS (pee on a stick) like that ((snap finger)) the second they realize something could be happening..even if it couldn't be happening..you get that flutter in your heart as you recognize what could occur.
So.. I peed. And then walked out of the room & said "can you see that???" with a seriously panicked look on my face. I took another, and a line showed up, again, faint. I sent Mike out to get a top of the line test, STAT. This had to be a fucking joke, we had plans, this wasnt supposed to happen today,my cousin who I hadn't seen since I was like, 12, was in town, I got the tests sort of as a precaution, not because I seriously thought I'd need them to tell me some sort of news!!
I took 5-6 tests. Then I laughed. Then I started to cry.
To say that my pregnancy with Ryan was fun, would be a lie. Physically, it was a dream. I threw up twice, both times due to changing a particularly rotten diaper. Nothing to do with feeling bad!
Andy was only 13 months old, by the time I was 9 weeks. He was still nursing, and still just a baby This was a huge surprise.
Mike of course, was thrilled. I however, stopped taking my handy dandy Zoloft, when I got the positive tests, and I was a wreck.
Once I reached my second trimester, my doctor informed me that its very safe, to take a low dose of Prozac, during pregnancy & after a lot of research, discussions & feeling comfortable in the middle of the second trimester, I hopped on board that Prozac train.
Thank GOD. I might have killed Mike, otherwise.. I admit, I had
Yeah, that sounds pretty awful, doesn't it? But, pregnancy & hormones & emotions can be pretty awful & if other people hadn't shared that they too, felt like that towards unexpected pregnancies, I wouldn't have gotten through mine. So,here it is.. Just because while your pregnant, you say or think, or even feel things, doesn't mean that you, or I, didn't & don't, love that baby so much it's ridiculous.
It was an easy pregnancy,.and soon enough, I got settled into the reality that I was having another baby & yes, even got excited. I was certain this was a girl,my pregnancy with Andy was super easy, but this one just felt different.
We headed in for the ultrasound, in the second trimester & I just knew..everyone knew, this was a girl! I remember the nurse asking if we were ready to know, she said "Its..a....BOY!"
And my darling husband jumped in the air & did one of those fist pumps, that boys did in gym class, in 4th grade.
I remember the tears stinging my eyes & I looked wide eyed, at the pecker on the screen, then to the nurse, then to Mike & said "Well, wow, we already have everything for him,then!" as I searched for a positive comment.
Soon enough, of course, I realized thank god, because having a girl would be WAY too much karma for me, and we chose the name Ryan, immediately.
It just fit.
I spent most of my pregnancy distraught over the choice to VBAC, or to repeat c-section.
I carried Andy to 42 weeks. He was due July 6th, I was induced July 16th, and he was born, via c-section, early July 17th.
I started pushing at 11pm, after 12 hours of labor, and pushed unsuccessfully & exhausted until 2am, when I went into the operating room.
All you whiney bitches out there who are begging your doctors to induce you at an unsafe 34 or 36 weeks & crying to all your friends how difficult it is, being "so very pregnant"
FOURTY TWO WEEKS.. BITCHES.
AND I lived in South Florida, in the middle of July.
I was GINORMOUS.
I don't want to hear your complaining..
I knew myself, I knew my body & I KNEW exactly when Ryan was concieved. After realizing I was pregnant, I did the math of my own body, and knew exactly where I was in my pregnancy. However, doctors seem to think that ultrasounds can tell better than the woman herself, I was actually asked " are you sure, you didnt have sex on this date Because that IS your conception date"
To which I gave a dumb look & said "Lady, I was taking a pregnancy test 2 days after that.. the entire week before I was avoiding sex because I was wondering if I was pregnant..I KNOW when it happened & I KNOW when I DIDNT have sex"
However, no one believed me. Ryan is like Jesus.. apparently, to them, he was conceived, immaculately, on such a day.
Andy was 8 lbs, 11oz, they assumed Ryan would be bigger. Of course, no ultrasound is 100% accurate.
So, while I had a great midwife,she only took appointments, no delivering.She was encouraging me to
atleast try the VBAC I had talked so much, about wanting.I knew my due date. It was the first week of April. however, the ultrasound, placed my estimated due date, to be around April 18th. I remember thinking "Seriously? Thats 2 weeks late.. exactly like my last pregnancy. 2 weeks over due!!!" No one listened to me, so I made my own plans.
I went to a screening of The Business of Being Born, with Mike, to meet a local doula. My birth experience with Andy was very very very unhappy, uncomfortable & a very bad experience, for me. The BOBB changed my outlook, and Mike's, and if your having a planned c-section, or a home birth, in your own living room, I think every expecting parent, should watch it. It's not a preachy home birth documentary. It's really really not.
I eventually made the decision, with my midwives voice reminding me "You can change your mind all the way up until he's born, don't forget that" to go into labor ON MY OWN this time, and to attempt for a vaginal birth. I eventually reasoned with myself, that at least attempting and "failing" was better than never knowing at all, if I could have done it. I never went into labor on my own, with Andy, and at the least, doing that was an experience I chose to have. I refused to even talk about induction, when pushy OB's mentioned it & switched appointments to make sure I'd not even see doctors, walking through the office, that had mentioned the risks of VBAC "Pushing for more than an hour could cause uterine rupture.. " or "Lets just use some pitocin & get that baby out" (the use of pitocin actually UP'S the risk of rupture from the very low less than 1 percent chance)
The first week of April I had a "growth" ultrasound. He was still a He, and he was estimated to be about 8 pounds. At the typical rate babies grow, they estimated him to be about 9 pounds, by my EDD.
By April 10th, my doctors were shocked to still see me coming into the office every Friday.
Time passed, and I knew I was 2 weeks late, just like with Andy. My body could feel it. I was walking around almost 4 cm's dilated (seriously, how he didn't fall out, would later be revealed!), and having contractions regularly. They'd go away, so they wernt "it"."
I was having nights of just crying, as Mike rubbed my swollen feet, and I said "If he isn't here in a few days, I'm calling & taking that c-section."
Finally I tucked Andy in to my bed (we co-sleep), Mike rubbed my feet & those contractions that had been nothing all night? I tried to ignore them & go to bed. After all, I'd been having nights like this for weeks now & it was just pissing me off, at this point.
An hour later, I woke up. I had to go to the bathroom, NOW. I sat there, bleary eyed & I realized I still had contractions, and uh, they weren't going away!! This wasnt it.. was it?? I sat there for about 10 minutes, in the dark before waking Mike.
"Huh? Whhhat??" Mike isn't a good waker. FYI.
"I think I'm in labor..maybe.. Um..that's it.. go back to bed." I whispered & walked back to sit in the bathroom in the dark.
Mike knocked at the door "well I cant go back to bed now.." he said. I got up & got on the computer to distract myself, as I looked up the answering service for my midwives. After scratching a couple contractions on paper, I added up & realized, they wern't stopping, they were getting closer!
And crap.. they were starting to hurt! They told me to come right in, they'd call ahead & meet me there.
I called my mom, she rushed over to stay with Andy & off we went.
This is the part where every 5-7 minutes I'd scream "FUCK!! DRIVE FASTER!" to Mike, then "oh..okay.. this is ok... Sorry.." as we headed for the Hospital....