Monday, March 8, 2010


Remember last week, when I posted how Chuck suddenly was getting worse?

After I posted that, I went to spend some time with Chuck. She stopped eating, she was laying in such a way, that her head sort of lolled over & when I looked in her eyes I knew. She wasn't even there anymore.

She was laying on the cold kitchen floor, I think it felt good on her stomach.

I laid down next to her & rubbed her. She flopped, towards me, almost like the kids do, when they crawl into bed, sort of in the "spoon" position & let me rub her. Then she hopped up, barely able to walk, her painfully skinny legs just couldnt find the coordination to work on their own. She walked to the litter box & practically dropped inside, curled up & I knew it was definitely time.
Mike was already on his way home.
I picked her up & lay her in the sun, on her cat post in front of the window, over looking the back yard.
She relaxed her head in the sunshine & I loved her & began to say goodbye.

I whispered what a good kitty she was, a good girl, good Chuck.. How sweet she was & to relax.

Mike came home & we both stood, angry & emotional, saying our praises of Chuck, to her. We talked about, should we take her? Would she make it there?
Chuck stood up & leaned to begin down to the floor, from her post & she just let herself fall down. She didnt try to catch herself, she just went with it, painfully slow. We scooped her up quickly. I held her like a baby, and I cried, like a baby as Mike got a blanket, for the cat carrier.

I bawled my eyes out, I did. I cried like a baby, snot pouring out of my nose, my heart throbbing with the pain of losing  a pet, something I haven't known since I was a child.

Then I said goodbye,lay my sweet Chuckles into the case, cried & asked her not to go, and then said goodbye.

A long, long time passed & I cleaned the house. Everything, all the cat stuff, the entire room she had spent the last week of, as hard as I could. I almost wanted to forget she had ever been there at all.

The house was spotless, every room. It smelled amazing, looked even better & all that was left to be done was wait.
It was forever, hours, I thought, for sure.

Mike called & gently I said hello. He said "she didn't make it there, she died in the parking lot." in a stiff voice.
I was just shocked & said "ok, come  home, hurry home."

My head was spinning so fast, but I just wanted to wait until he got home.

The rest of this might not be easy for everyone to read, so, consider yourself warned.

Finally Mike got home & when he walked in the door, I was waiting for him.
He just looked funny & I admit I asked "did you like, kill her, or something???" because the tone of his voice was just so weird & his face just showed he wasnt telling me something!
The man can't lie to me, ok?
I'm all knowing.
Don't you forget it.

No, my husband isnt a animal killer, but recently, due to something we read & discussed prior to Chuck becoming ill, the topic of "what do you do with an animal that needs to be put down" when the vet, isnt an option, no, we're not talking about cats, but, the topic in general..

Back to Chuck.
That's another story for another time.
Or not.

Mike's face stiffened when I asked him & he said "NO. I didnt kill her! I considered it, as she was squeeling, gagging & shitting herself while I held her head in my hands in the parking lot, but I just couldn't do it."
Then he turned & walked outside quickly.

My jaw dropped.

I'll say, that I've been sober, for 3 months now. Mike has been for 2 months. Neither of us feel the desire to drink anymore, but after Mike told me, what happened, then he buried Chuck, in the thawed patch of ground, he looked at me, with the saddest eyes I've seen in awhile & said "I do want a beer, after that."

He didn't drink, that's silly. But what he had to see, with Chuck, his pet, our pet, was so upsetting to even him. I was angry.I was sad.
I was sorry Chuck was in the parking lot, in the car, that she didn't make it inside.
The place we use, is a non profit facility, as I previously mentioned.
It's also a no kill facility.
They don't euthanize animals until the office is closed, then, it's you working directly with the vet, "under the table" so to speak.
It sounds bad, but it's a safe, cheap, humane way of providing euthanasia to animals who might be otherwise suffering, or put down in a manner that isnt humane.
Mike had to drive, with Chuck, to an ATM, for cash & wait until 6pm.
It was while he was waiting, she died.
I was pissed, and angry.
But I do know, now, that the benefit of a facility like that outweighs the anger I should have that Chuck had to "wait until after hours" and in the mean time, died a painful, traumatic death.
Or maybe I'm still pissed....

The cat post, Mike built our cats, is by the back door.
In that room we have the washer, dryer, computer desk, some shelves, an elliptical & the cat post. It's the first thing you run into see when you walk in the door.
Sometimes you have to hurry in the door, dodging shoes, so Chuck doesn't sneak outside to play when the weather is nice, the windows are open & she wants to escape to outdoor kitty paradise.

Now, I walk in the door & my heart sinks every time I realize she isn't there. I hold the door open a little longer, as I let myself feel sad, and angry.
Max, of course. Is just an even bigger asshole now that before.
I'm trying to leave him alone, but every time I clean his damn cat box now, I feel a little pissed knowing I'm cleaning his shit & not Chuckles.

She was too young.
She was weeks to days from her second birthday.
Ryan's second birthday is coming up.
Chucks mother, Fluffy, was pregnant at the same time I was pregnant with Ryan.
I think it explains our bond.
I hope if I ever died under my house, that Fluffy would have taken & raised my children, just as I did hers.

I miss you Chuckles. You truly were the best, sweetest little kitty & my heart is heavy missing you.




  1. Claire, I'm so sorry hun, losing a pet, especially a kitty is so hard. When I watched my cat, Oscar, die in my driveway last fall I cried for 3 days. (((HUGS)))

  2. I am so sorry for your loss - these darn animals can be so hard to loose! Just know that you made Chuck's last days as comfortable and happy as you could and that she was loved. ((()))

  3. Claire, I'm so sorry. ((HUGS)) Losing a pet is very hard. I read somewhere that we mourn the passing of pets more than people because with pets there are never any "complications." We just love them with our whole heart. They never betray us, never hurt us. I believe this is true because I've certainly mourned over lost pets and I always cry harder.

    Please just take comfort that Chuck is no longer suffering. ((HUGS)) again.

  4. Oh hun, I'm so sorry! This post brought me to tears. (((hugs)))

  5. Oh I am so sorry. I am bawling now - losing an animal is so so hard. Big, big hugs.

  6. I'm so sorry. I'm in tears reading this. We have 3 cats and it breaks my heart to hear about this poor sweet young kitty. You were a good mom to her, and she was lucky to have you.

  7. Sorry for your loss Claire. I'm a cat lover as well, and know how much extra joy they can bring into our homes.

  8. this just made me cry. I cant really even respond to it.



  9. It is so hard to lose and animal that you were so darn in love with! Big hugs to you and hoping you will have something happy and wonderful happen in your life now! May Chuckles RIP :(


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