Friday, January 29, 2010

My mom was right, I DO have ADD!

Girls don't like me. And I don't like them, alot of the time either, to be Frank for a second (just kidding, still Claire!)

High school wasnt my finest uh, 4 years. I still to this day, have NO idea what I apparently did, but someone just decided to hate me & their minions went along with it.
I was Jenny,Little J, to their Blair.
Of course, now that we're no longer in high school everyone is all "you were pretty. thats all"
And I'm all "duh, thank you omg I know I am!!!"

Kidding, but really? How fucking stupid is that.

Sadly, I can guarantee than atleast 1/4 of the people reading this right now are like "OMG, that was me, too!!!"

Birds of a very pretty, fluffy, colorful feather, flock together.

Excuse me while I flip my shampoo commercial hair.......

The point is, holy crap. I'm glad I have boys man.

I imagine man conflicts to be like;

Dude 1-'Hey, whats up asshole, I got beef wit you" ( this guy is doing  a pimp walk, and he's skinny & white & you can see his boxers..he's like... Eminem.....)
Dude 2- "Fuck off, you fag" ( because guys are all classy & use language like that, not me. )

Dude 1- "what'd you say?? Your MAMA wasn't sayin I was a fag last night, bitch"

And then they just settle it all by measuring who has the bigger penis.

Because, in my non male head, when I've heard someone say something about knowing EXACTLY how big their/their ex's/"friends" (whatever, i dont judge, just listen & later blog about...) penis is, I can only assume that information is found out in male brawls, like this. I mean..unless guys sit around randomly measuring their dicks..

Riiigghhttt..



I'd also like to add, I've recently noticed that all those years of being called "A.D.D." and the ritalin & drugs & stuff....wasn't for nothing.

Do other peoples heads work like this?? Holy crap, what was I saying????

So, girls. Yes. Holy crap, they're some bitches huh??

Even now, with 2 kids, I go to places like, the library story time & these uber mom are all shooting me down & shit! I've found tons of the other moms, who, like me, are of a special variety, and they say the same thing. Meeting new, female, friends as an adult can be tough! Its like high school crossed into motherhood & man, it is BRUTAL out there.God forbid you dont breast/bottle feed or use cloth/premium disposables & don't even get me started on little booboo's education.. Oh for heavens sakes!!

I can't make mom friends for the life of me.

It's like I dont fit into any mom world, their either 12 years old with tattoos on their neck, or all "my makeup is pefect & I eat my own farts. Plus my kid speaks somolize & cooks with prince albert."

I mean, for a stage, after my insatiably horrid ex, I considered playing for the other team, thankfully I met Mike, cause I'm down with vag & all, just, my own.

 I have nothing against other women!! Unless they're stupid, or boring, or annoying, then no, I don't like them, but for the most part, I sound reasonably easy to get a long with, right??

We recently went to Disney on Ice, and there was a scary amount of small girls with plastic-y lacy pink dresses on shrieking "it's snow white!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" in my ear.  I was like, wow. Gross!

Then I went home & pushed my toddlers over on the bed because they're boys, they like that stuff, and I'm easily entertained, so I do too.(disclaimer- don't try this, results are massive tickle fights, uncontrollable bladders should be advised & avoid!)

I don't have any experience with girls, if I had one, to be honest, I'd be really scared I'd wipe her wrong, or something. I was traumitized earlier this year by a mother discussion that results in learning that "Yes, poop CAN go INSIDE a vagina"

Boys, I know their parts & where poo hides ( the balls man, the balls), pretty damn well by now.

Ahh.. I had a point to this, something about.... girls are cute & lacy, but, once she grew up, I dont think I'd want her anymore, because I was a horrible teenager, and so was Mike, so that would suck. She'd be gorgeous, so girls would hate her too. It'd be like a never ending cycle.

So, boys it is. I obviously, know all about THEM!


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4 comments:

  1. UGH I am already dealing with that crap with Madison! I hope she is the girl who gets along with all and doesn't crave to peer pressure! She has come home twice and be like Sabrina doesn't like me anymore. ANd the NEXT day Sabrina is my Best Friend Forever! (she doesn't know BFF yet ;) ). I hope she doesn't have it as bad as we (yep I was on that bench with you) did. And she would SO be the girl in her best princess attire screaming at disney on ice. :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks for the laugh!
    Girls never liked me either, and I still get the same looks I always have from women now. It sucks. But since I have always had guy friends, I don't know how to play mind games all that well, we just say what we want. it is great...
    so of course God gave me a girl, and I am mortified of what may happen later in life.
    Thanks for the reminder.

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