Small Talk Six 2/28

6 things that never fail to make you smile!

1- My boys giggles.

2- Farts

3- My brother in laws Punta Gorda jokes.

4- My blog title. I mean.. really.. poor muffins!!!!!

5-Mullets. Seriously.. DO NOT get me started.

6-The word p-e-n-i-s. ..hehe..

For more Small Talk Six check out Momdot!

Soft as a Babies Butt

Tonight, as my 10 month old ran around naked I wondered..

"Soft as a babys butt? Huh.." and I reached around to pat my own rear end.

Yeah..its still pretty soft. But, then again, I'm a girl. If a persons value could be determinded in lotion & body products, Bath & Body Works being the Queen Bee, I'd be a close second.

What about everyone who doesnt have as nice a tookus as me??

What makes adult butts not as soft as a babys?? It isnt like the butt CHEEK gets alot of use.. it sits, protected by clothing (hopefully), it's occasionally subjected to foul flingings from its neighbor, the asshole.

But I mean, really.. What IS it that makes a butt transform from "as soft as a babys butt" to.. well.. a pimply gross not soft adult ass??

Seriously. I need answers. Anyone?

Whats New!

So, I just wanted to let anyone reading this that some new stuff is going to be coming up shortly!

My blog will be getting an awesome new makeover done by Susan over at Blog Design by Susan

I will also be starting a new feature every month. I will be promoting a WAHM of the month. Thats a Work At Home Mom, for those of you who dont know. I'll be writing a review of their store, products & talking about about each of them & will feature either a giveaway for a product of theirs, or a special discount code you can use for a price break on their site, or maybe even both! You'll just have to check it out and see.

I'll also be hosting a few give aways shortly! If your kids like music.. or you have tons of purses that you just cant seem to get organized, you will definately want to see what I have in store for you.

So, follow me, or book mark this site,follow me on Twitter, do whatever you have to do to get back here over the next month while some changes take place!

Love, Claire

I'M BACK!!!

Let me tell you a bit about my ass.

My ass was once non existant, I was a 6 foot tall bean pole! I was just a bit over 100 lbs when I gradyated high school in 2002. I know, "scary skinny" but blahblahblah.

Was always skinny, under weight for my BMI , but LOOKED alot healthier.

Moved to Florida, was MAJORLY depressed from that wacked out situation, gained about 10-15 pounds and then got pregnant & gained about 500 pounds. LOL

Had large baby, moved back to Ohio & slloowwwlllyy lost the baby weight... All 40-60ish pounds ( I stopped looking once the scale hit a certian number!!!)

Got *almost* back to "normal" ( normal being the 10-15 extra pounds I gained after moving to FL. Got cute new shorts, started to feel GOOD again!!

Got pregnant. AGAIN.

Got fat, AGAIN. Had a 10 pound baby & yet still had 40-50 pounds of gummy candy, peanut butter & salami. Dropped about 30 pounds in the first 6 weeks.. and then.. !!!!!!! Mike made the sad sad mistake of asking about 2-3 months post partum if HEY! I wanted a beer because well.. I could now!!

Ryan actually SLEEPS at night ( Andy never did) so I can stay up & have brew with my husbnand! Duh, do you KNOW me?? I went for the beer! You cant drink beer at night with out eventually getting hungry.. and you know the rest of the story.

Finally, its Jan 2009 and I'm like "shit man, I'm still fat.. Ryan will be a year old in a few months & um.. I dont think your allowed to use the "just had a baby excuse" when they're over a year old..

Jan 5th of this year I was like "Okay.. you have until April 15th to lose 27 pounds in order to be back to your pre pregnancy weight.

I started GREAT! Cardio, work out videos, whe whole nine yards.. Then I think I got sick..sick/lazy whatever! So I moved to a new approach.. its called "If your going to drink beer, only drink Miller 64 ( 64 calories!!!) and dont eat so much junk."

To date I've lost 16 pounds. And last week realizing this I realized "Shit" If I can lose 16 pounds from major DIET changes, what can I do if I actually exercise??

So, I'm all gross & sweaty on the elliptical daily & am starting to SEE a change. Before it was "Oh.. yay I guess my thighs look a bit better.. but who cares because have you SEEN my love handles????"

Yesterday I looked in the mirros & SAW a change in my body & have been pumped up to keep with this every since. A number on a scale doesnt mean shit, its actually being able to LOOK in the mirror & SEE a difference in an area that your un happy with that matters most to me.

Today I am cleaning the crap out of the house & I came acrossed the shorts I had bought just before finding out Mike had knocked me up again.. grimaced & prepared to push them back under the bed..

I have no idea why but for some reason, I decided to try them on.

AND THE FUCKERS FIT!

I'm not talking "they fit as long as I dont breathe or eat for 2 days prior" type of fit either..They fit COMFORTABLY!!!

I have been on cloud nine since wiggling into those babies.. I came off & smashed back to Earth when I stupidly decided to try on an old piece of lingerie but uh.. maybe in a month or 2, right?? ( I'm on birth control this time, dont worry!!!)

So.. YES!

Part of whats been helping me is TELLING people "Okay I weigh ____" or I did ____ for exercise today. I ate ____ for lunch & I kind of slipped & ate ____.

SO! Excuse me while I toot my own horn & say.. I'm (nearly) BACK!! And damnit, it feels good.

I WILL get where I want to be!!!!!!!

GO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks, thats all =)

Best. Blog. EVER.

I don't even know what to say.. it's like someone crawled into my head & pulled out my deepest thoughts about pregnancy, baby weight, weight in general & my skinny fucking husbands pants!

I strongly suggest you check out this fabulous Blog Entry over at Barefoot Foodie!

Unless of course.. your one of those skinny bitches she's talking about. In which case, go eat a Whopper... and I hope it goes straight to your ASS!.. WITH cellulite!

Wordless Wednesday

Can you guess what type of day it was??

Thank you Tara & See Kai Run!

Tara over at Through Hazel Eyes recently ran a contest for a pair of See Kai Run shoes, I entered & posted a blog about it too.

Guess what??

I WON!!! How awesome is THAT??

So I just wanted to send out a HUGE thank you to Tara & also to See Kai Run, thank you guys SO much for this contest & I'll be sure to blog all about the "Mike" shoes I picked for Andy!

PS- Thank you random.org for picking me.. I knew the bribe would work!!! ;-)

Is it wrong?

..That I just got done working out & then was thinking to myself..

I wonder, if you eat candy WHILE your exercising, if it doesnt count???

Needless to say.. while health food shopping today, 2 FAMILY sized bags of my crunchy gooey beloveds snuck in the cart!! Damn those eggs, damn them all to hell! ( and by hell, I mean my mouth.)

This is where you tell me I'm NOT crazy.

Every mother thinks her child is the most amazing thing since Hersheys Easter Eggs. Lets face it.

I am here, seeking the opinion of strangers, friends & family alike to find out.

Am I CRAZY in love with my child, or is he ACTUALLY just really advanced?

So, I'm going to tell you a little about why I think Ryan is super baby, and then if your willing, go to the poll on the Right side of my blog & vote.

-Ryan is 10 months old. He will be 11 months March 15th.
-Ryan has been walking since he was 8 months old.
-Ryan has been RUNNING since he was 9 months old.
-Ryan holds play cups to his mouth & "slurps" like I do, when Andy "makes me coffee" and then offers it to my mouth & makes the slurps for me.
- Ryan races cars on the floor in a back & forth motion & says "rrruuuurrrr" to mimic his brother saying "Wroom"
-Did I mention he RUNS?
-Ryan can crawl on AND off of both the couch & a low bed.
-Ryan pets the animals, not smacks, but will walk to them & run his hands down their back.
-Ryan has read the book Moby Dick.. KIDDING! Just seeing if your paying attention!!
-Ryan can push & pull a car ( like this one) from room to room.
-He picks up his toys & carries them from room to room, large toys, this one is the most common.
-Is the size of an average 24 month old ( according to growth charts by the AMA)
-Ryan also pushes my kitchen chairs through out the kitchen.


So! What do you think..is he a super baby, or am I just an overly proud mama??? Vote if you wish, comments are also appreciated!! =)

Dealing Dogs

This is a topic very close to my heart that was recently unearthed & I thought I'd take a little break from being my usual smart ass self & be very serious.

While I may make jokes about Travis eating peoples faces, and the whorish kitty we adopted, and even how damn annoying my geriatric dog is, that pisses herself in her sleep.. ON THE COUCH.

I am an animal lover. First & foremost. I always have been. I remember being in first grade & one of those nickles with a letter telling how you can save an animal at a pet shelter came in the mail. I asked my mom why she didnt send them money & she told me that she prefered to give money to help people, not animals. I put that letter in my underwear drawer ( a place of all treasures sacred for a 6 year old) and when I was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, the answer was the same.

"I want to be rich, with a big house, so I can adopt all the homless cats & dogs & they can all have their own room. And to have alot of blueberry bushes in my yard.' ( looovee me some blueberries!)

As I got older, it was always the same. I did extra credit work so I wouldnt fair Biology, which consisted of caring for the Iguana ( he'd fall off his perch, people would laugh & run away but I always put him right back where he belonged) and cleaning out Rat cages. When baby rats were born, I'd smuggle one home in my pocket & try to keep it for a pet. They all died, they all were buried in my yard & I even gave one chest compressions & used a heating pad to keep it alive a little longer.

Yes, I have a strange love for animals that isnt at all similar to the way I feel for humans. In fact, I really dont like many people, they're annoying.

I could quite possibly be Ace Ventura!!!!!!!!!! Yes!! Maybe THATS what I'd like to be when I grow up.....

Anyway, back on track.

In high school my senior seminar project ( raise awareness & become someone who will contribute to adult society) was to raise money for our local APL which at the time, was sadly run down & needing help to re build and to raise awareness of the cruelty that goes on in Puppy Mills & breeding kennels. The girl I was working with & I raised close to $300 in 4 hours, bringing 2 dogs per day ( to a 2 hour lunch hour at school) from the Shelter in to show people who needed homes & to raise awareness.

Thats one of my greatest achievements, is that at selfsh 18 years old that I was able to do something & I havent stopped being passionate about, and doing whatever I can to continue to give & raise awareness to this situation.

No, we cant all take in every stray cat or dog or animals out there. But you CAN do your part by not buying animals, OR products from Pet Stores that sell dogs.

My dog, Echo was a breeding bitch in a puppy mill in Mississippi.

She is missing one full ear & chunks of her other. She has few teeth left & has never licked/kissed a person a day in her life. She literally falls on her back when she is startled, because she was mis treated SO severely. And the worst thing is, shes come A LONG way since we adopted her. She has bite scars on her body & her nipples are stretched a mile long from all the nursing she did due to her large amount of breeding. I adopted her from IMPS. An AMAZING organization I highly recommend people interested in Min Pins check out.

I saw a documentary awhile back, Dealing Dogs which, if you can stomach it, will change the way you view "pets" forever.

So please, dont breed your animals to show your children about nature, take them to a local farm in the spring, or get a damn book. Spay & neuter your animals. Dont take a *pet* if you dont have EVERY intention of being their forever home. And please, dont buy from Pet Stores.

Thats all.

Let me tell you a story.

About a cat named Fluffy.

One day a long long time ago, a extremely affectionate cat showed up in our yard. When I say affectionate, I mean.. whorishly annoying with love.They type of cat that obviously once had a home, as she suddenly just appeared & was very very friendly. I remember once, Mike & I arguing & he walked outside to smoke. I peeked out the window to see him & saw this cat was sitting on his shoulder, like a parrot. I started laughing, he heard me through the window & the fight was over. She stuck around, following you from the second you got out of your car, all the way to the back door. She'd meow at the door. We couldnt let her in, but we started to feed her.

In the summer, I sit in the back yard & devour books during the day when the kids nap, its my "alone time" and this cat soon came to lay by my feet.

Our neighbor Bob, took a liking to this kitty & his wife told me in privacy "He calls her Fluffy.. and leaves the garage light on for her!" So, Fluffy she became. In the winter. Bob let her live in the garage he was remodeling, she could get out on her own but we'd all let her in the door when we saw she wanted it.

Fluffy came to look a little pudgy. Mike guessed she was pregnant. Then, over months, she wasnt, I just said she was fat from all the feeding we all did to her!

Then Fluffy was fat again... and fatter..and fatter. And then she had 2 babies in Bobs garage! (Turns out, she'd had more babies previously in someone elses barn!) Her kittens were born the same week as Ryan, and I knew just how shge felt, she didnt let them out of the garage. No one could get near them & she only snuck out for rubs & to get her exercise.

Her 2 kittens were cute! One was gray & one was orange, a combo of her. They leaped around the yards like dolphins, with these crazy high hops that cracked us all up, but they were un touchable. One time the orange one got stuck in my garden & I had to lift it out & thought it would have a heart attack it was SO terrified!

I made it my personal goal to get these cats to love me as much as I loved them & I am not ashamed to say, a few nights Mike & I would try to corner & chase kittens in attempt to hold & snuffle them! I might have even made one run face first into a fence in attempts to get away from me.. MAYBE.

I began bringing ice cream outside, bits of fish, steak, chicken, even good old cat treats! Mr Gray warmed up to me first. I snatched it up & held its terrified tiny self & got SO excited it started to relax I made the bad mistake of trying to come inside to show Mike. OUCH.

Eventually, Fluffy got weird.(Read HERE for that story) Like..walking around coughing, looking kinda twitchy kinda weird.She left her kittens, would hiss at them when they ran acrossed the yard to see her & run away. It was like she was trying to keep them away! We didnt get it & were kind of ticked, these kittens LIVED on our picnic table & we sort of felt protective of them where Fluffy wasnt!

But, we still fed them all, the kittens navigated to us & Fluffy stayed with Bob. One day Fluf was just gone. No one had seen her for awhile!

In the mean time, my bathroom smelled like fucking SHIT. I mean. I was BLEACHING it daily feeling like we were just disgusting human beings!! The fan in the bathroom pulls air from under the house, which is also the same area our trash can is. I went outside & scrubbed our recycling bins, the trash cans, you name it. When that didnt work.. Mike opened up the crawl space under the house.

And there she was.Poor fluffy in all her dead glory.Under our HOUSE. Mike actually threw up, he said "she was MOVING" (well, she wasnt..the maggots were!) and when I told him to get her OUT! He said (yes Hailey, here it comes..)

"I cant move her..shes too.. JUICY"

(((gag))) You can also click HERE to read the original post about this lovely story.

Thank GOD we just rent this place huh??

So, we got a bunch of lime & covered her up to.. um.. dry enough to be removed. Poor Fluf! The kittens no longer had a mama! They slept under the kids play toys in the back yard, and we'd flip up the swimming pool when it rained. Both of them turned out to be pretty lovey, and just as whorish as their mother in the affectionate department!

Bob tried to find them homes. We all fed them, they didnt let anyone pet them but Mike & I ((beams)) I love animals, can ya tell??

Then one sad day Mr Gray dissapeared.. and didnt come back. And we were really, really sad. Poor Orange kitty just seemed sooo lonely & alone! (ETA- We later found out Bob had gotten them BOTH homes, but couldnt find Mr. Orange when they came to pick them up, so just Gray went) The 2 of them we'd sneak in the back laundry room at night to play with us & once or twice let them sleep inside as it had been getting cold. Now the poor orange kitten was all alone, he'd sit outside & meow, and just to sit on our windows, he'd even sneak in between our legs to get in the house!

Every night was the same "If we're going to take him lets just DO IT" then the next morning "Oh thank God, we dont need another cat" LOL

But with the orange cat all alone & the weather getting cold.. I found something sort of like a Planned Pethood ( yes, there actually is a Planned Pethood in our state) that people can bring feral cats into, have them spayed/neutered & given shots for practically nothing & then returned.

We decided to look into it & at the same time realized, OH! He was actually a she.. And she was pregnant. She wasnt even 6 months old yet! So, we took in Ms. Whorey Orange, got her a cat abortion & all her shots, cleaned up, and spayed. (Read about that HERE)

We brought her back home figuring she'd be still an outdoor cat only to have the doctor somberly approach Mike at post Op pick up.. Turns out Orange has the Cat AIDS. You can read about that one HERE.( I have to say, its one of my favorites.. the story of our cat & THE AIDS)

Putting her back outside would be a death sentence. And Mike said "I didnt just spend over $100 on her ass to let her die" So.. an in cat she was!

And an in cat, she remains!

The point of all this is.. random as I ever am.

I got a new camera for my birthday and finally figured out my macro setting & thought somethign interesting to try it out on would be...THIS

All that remains of poor, poor Fluffy.

She was a fabulous, loving, special cat, her many off spring still roam the neighborhood & Chuck (Yes, she is a girl & I named her CHUCK. I also call her Chuck a luck, Chuckles, WhatthefuckChuck? and Chunkles) the cat, our new orange cat, roams my home...and occasionally after a few beers, even my heart!!!

Fluffy, your much missed Mama!!! Andy still snaps his fingers whenever the door opens & clucks for "Flussy!" Your whorish ways will roam the neighborhood in legend for eternity!

I'd like to thank all the little people out there...

I got an AWARD!!! Okay.. I have a knack for *winning* things, but that has to do with the luck of the draw, which I somehow have had since I was a kid, but when it comes to LIFE luck, I am shit OUT of luck, so to speak. I always won the "good try" awards, ya know?? Yeah..I was THAT kid.











So, this super awesome chick who I think might secretly be my sister from another mister awarded me my first Blog Award today!!!!!!!! ((This is where I beam with pride)) Baby Rocas Mama ( uhm.. my new found sister, whats your name?? lol) gave me the





Honest Scrap award!!!!!!!! ( Does anyone else remember when people waved their fist in a circular motion in the air & barked "whoowhoo" in what always reminded me of a dog woof??? If you do..insert here please.)


So basically..she was like "OMFG Claire, your SOOO amazing & I LOVE you."... or.. she was like "You tell shit like it is sista" take your pick.. I like to imagine the first, personally.


SO! Here is the deal-i-o!!

Here are the rules Kind Blogger:



"These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated.

Please give more attention to these writers.

Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award."


Honest Scrap:


A) List 10 honest things about yourself - and make it interesting, even if you have to dig deep!


B) Pass the award on to 7 bloggers that you feel embody the spirit of the Honest Scrap


So, this is actually ironic, my new found twin must have sensed something deep in my soul, because I was recently thinking "With all these sexy new followers..ALOT of things I say wont make sense since they don't actually know me..I oughta do a "me" page which DUH, would be filled with SCARY honest things, so this is just fab.

1- Shit..now I cant think of anything..
Hmm.. Okay.I seriously fucking hate people. I mean, WTF is WRONG with everyone!?!??!?!?! Moms beat down other moms for using __ diapers or using __milk or doing __ at night time. WTF was this joke of "motherhood comraderie" you read about??? Men are just stupid too, so they fall in the *people* category..I guess.. and Senior citizens tick me off to NO end. Don't get me wrong, I'm not disrespectful to my elders, but after living in South Florida & seeing the snow birds.. I seriously wanted to smack a bitch. Like, come on Grandma.. a 9 and a HALF month pregnant chick is REALLY going to steal your purse?? I'm over here bloated & munching in my 80th candy bar, not eying your crusty old bag.

See?? Those are just 3 categories of stupid annoying people, women, men & old people.

Don't even get me STARTED on the rest of the world!!!


..I suppose this could lead into..


2- I think I have a medical condition called "lackofpatience" My kids can rip my eyebrows out & I wont blink an eye at them, but my mom could tell me "Sound it out!" when I ask for the spelling of a word & I want to pull her hair out. I dont have, never HAVE had & likely never WILL have patience. It's probably my worst quality, that and being a real fucking bitch.


3- My entire life people have always thought of me 2 ways, Stupid, or arrogant. I dont open up TRULY to THAT many people..but when I DO, the truth is..

- I'm not stupid..at all actually! I'm pretty damn smart, maybe I dont care to spell check, or talk about the world, but the truth is.. Most people just cant hold my interest enough for me to even focus on what they are saying. I'm not dumb, I just dont give a shit what rambling is coming out of your mouth.


- I was arrogant at one time.. Back when my 6 foot tall self was about 110 lbs, I was tan & didnt have a flaw on my cute self.. I'm 6 foot tall..still.. I have had 2 kids in less that 2 years & they both forced candy down my throat through my stomach the entire damn pregnancy & made me fat. I'm lacking in the self confidence, however, I'm a firm believer in.. you are seen how you present yourself. I dont have to think I'm smoking hot.. but when I'm out & about & talking about myself..I believe in talking about myself the way I'd like to think other people should see me..if you do that enough, you can convince yourself & anyone else & TRULY believe in ANYTHING. And self confidence is WAY sexier than a perfect body anyway my fellow mamas.



4-I'm tandem nursing. Yep. It isnt something I throw out there for everyone, but. I have a 2.5 year old & a 10 month old. I nursed Andy all through my pregnancy.. I nearly ripped my hair out, but I did it. Annnd he still is nursing. I know, its nuts. The average age of weaning in the world is between 4-5. So, thank God, we arent there yet. But uh.. yeah... I'm like a freaking cow to my kids man.Moooo.



5- I had NO plans to move 1300 miles with Mike when his family needed him to come back home. NO plans.. We'd been dating barely 5 months & that itself was a on & off again thing.. I was thinking "Well..I know my ex wants me back I guess.." then one day I was looking at him on the balcony & thought "Shit.. I dont want to never see him again!!!" and decided to go! I gave myself the chance to fall in love with the first man I'd ever been with who was GOOD. And I'm GLAD I did.


6- I pee in diapers on a rare occasion, BY CHOICE. Yeah..you got something to say????

It all started when Andy was a baby, my bladder wasnt quite back to normal yet & we went for a walk on a Bike & Hike trail & I had to freaking pee!! There was NO where to go .. so.. when the bikers were clear..I stuck a sposie in my pants, peed.. wrapped it up & put it in the bag, just like I would if he needed to be changed. I'd piss my pants before using a public bathroom. Period. Germs freak me the fuck out. At 42 weeks pregnant with Andy I peed at a Walmart & it was one of the darkest days of my LIFE. Fast forward to Andy being a year old.. we were grocery shopping.. I'm pregnant with Ryan, we get in the car & start driving & OHGOD..I have to pee..BAD. SO!! I went for the sposie..I mean, pregnant chicks are like "I gotta pee" every 5 minutes & its like.. a drop or 5.. so.. I grabbed the sposie , the boy was strapped in.. the groceries were about to melt.. come on.. Welp..Long story short..the diaper runneth over. I peed all over my freaking self. I had to take off my underwaear & drive home slightly damp... I havent done that since. However, if It came to a nasty ass bathroom, or a diaper. You can laugh allll you want, but I wont be the one catching the skankies from that shit smeared on the wall my friends!!!!!!!

7. I pee on my feet in the shower. Yes. Got something to say?? Urine is one of the most sanitary things there is, the Incans used infant urine for eye wash. Betcha didnt know THAT. But actually..I just have sweaty feet & it takes the sweatiness away. Serious. Try it.

8. I scare myself. Yes, I only actually say a SMALL amount of things that I think. I believe if I said them all, I might be committed by someone who heard my thoughts ;-)

9. I really dont have a ton of friends anymore man. I was the girl with lots of guy friends/ex's who kept in touch..need I say more?? Once I was off the market, those fuckers dropped like flies. Some of the girls just..well.. its different when your priorities arent getting drunk anymore.. when you have kids, when people get mad you dont want to be pregnant & sit in a bar b/c it looks trashy... You know how that goes. ((eyeroll)) I just dont relate to the people I know who ARENT parents & the ones I knew who are now parents, I dont relate to either. The quote "Having a child no more makes you a parent, than having a piano makes you a pianist" should sum my opinion on that up quite well!! I just dont feel like I relate, or agree with *most* people anymore, and often, its lonely.

10. I seriously have a lack of self control.I stand in the corner of elevators & put my hands in my pockets because that red button just SCREAMS to me.. ANY random button I see ANYWHERE that shouldnt be touched..I want to touch. No, I've never had a desire to pull a fire alarm..I just really want to smush my hands all over all sorts of buttons that are red & ask not to be pushed. I sometimes have to even sit on my hands to keep them under control. It is a sickness.

Here are a few people I'd like to see do this!

Ashley, Miss Ashley is new to blogging, so she needs a welcome from everyone & some encouragement. She has strong opinions like myself, but I'd say where I am out there, she's probably more conservative but I guuess I like her anyway.So! I'd love to know 10 things about her!!!

Pamela, Pam is my twin. Pamela ALSO owns a really amazing shop called Pampering Delights,which is a host to some of my favorite obsessions! Check it out & try her new creamy foot scrub!!!;-) She's so much like me, it scares ourselves.

Hailey was raised a Mormon in Utah.Her stories rock my world & they will yours too! Although, she does a family blog, so she might have to sensor!

Mandy over at Ramblings of a Cat Lady- Ohh Mandy.. shes my super sexy swing mama ( not swing-ING, just swing sickfuck) She owns Cat Lady Candles, which is the only place anyone, who is ANYONE goes for tarts..Be sure to ask for "Claires Cloves" its better than sex, if I do say so myself... Shes as random & hilarious as oh..say..ME!!

Sarah at Grin & Bear It. I've known Sarah since we were 13 & sitting on a bench chatting with her at lunch in junior high school. Now she's a mom of 3 LITTLE boys.. Three very YOUNG boys.. like.. She makes me look saneas far as the kiddos go but truly,shes as crazy as I am!!! You KNOW hers will be fun!!!

Sarah over at Thoughts from the Toilet Bowl. I came acrossed her blog recently & was in love at first title. I'd LOVE to see what she comes up with on the pot for this one!

If you do this, PLEASE come back & link me so I can read everyones!!!

Is it wrong?

Yesterday I ran into Walgreens, the night before I got 20 free prints from their photo center & needed to pick them up.

I resisted the 75% off Valentines.. but I did grab a bag of damned Easter candy, but you can read more about that here.

I glanced at all the gigantic stuffed animals & saw a LARGE black monkey.. and i thought "TRAVIS!!!" And had to walk away quickly to keep myself from buying it. I mean, my kids don't need more toys.

As I checked out, the cashier commented on the 2 little tins I got (empty decorative tins, like for trinkets) that she cant wait for all the V-Day clearance to be gone, that she is tired of walking down the aisle & seeing the poor stuffed animals. She said she actually feels bad for them & has to resist buying them just so they go away b/c they just suck her in.

I told her I knew exactly what she meant, laughed & left.

I got to the car, pulled out the phone & called Mike

Me- "..So.. 75 % off $20..that's like.. $5 huh?? "

Mike- "yeah why?'

Me- "Oh..there is just this big monkey at Walgreens on clearance & is it bad I wanted to get it for Andy & name is Travis???"

Mike - ((laughs)) How much is it?

Me- "$5"

Mike- "How BIG is it?"

Me- "..bigger than Ryan.."

Mike- "You gotta get it!"

I then turned around, and walked back in.. The cashier looked at me & I said "Damn monkey, he sucked me in!"

As she rung him up, I patted his head, she looked at me, smiled & said "I do that every time I walk down the aisle.. THANK YOU."

What can I say.. I'm pleased to know someone other than myself gives inanimate objects feelings TOO!!!

Now, I just want to say. People really tick me the fuck off. And it isn't like I don't feel bad for the poor lady who got her face eaten off by Travis the chimp, but I mean.. COME ON! I might get bitched at for this but.. I sort of have always felt like.. people who try to domesticate wild animals & get attacked.. well.. you kinda had it coming. They don't call them WILD for no reason, dumbass. I feel awful when I hear about stuff like this.. for the ANIMAL. Its just wrong & unfair all the sick things people do with animals for their own entertainment. I have been, and always will be, that chick who probably likes her dog more than those people she met at a party. I mean, my dog may eat litter critters, but atleast she isnt a boring douchebag!!

Now that people are appalled at what a horrid person I am...

Here's Andy & Ryan with Travis!!!

I also have a video, however Mike & I possibly make jokes about the Monekys revenge, facial eating & Andy says "animals cant be domesticated." I am not heartless, I have one very cold, little black heart, but I do know what happened to that poor woman was a tragedy, so I probably shouldnt post it.

Unless people ask for it.. that is!!!

Dear Easter Candy..

You're a bitch.

And you..Hershey Eggs.. your the WORST OF ALL!!!

Cadbury, you asshole, your not far behind!

I've lost 15 pounds so far in 2009 and I am quite certian that if I dont throw away my car keys & give every store signs with my picture & DO NOT SELL instructions, by the time Easter is over I'll have gained it all, plus more back.. from Easter candy. Alone.

I just have NO self control when it comes to those crunchy shells of chocolately goodness!!!

I love you, Easter Candy, no matter WHAT I've said in the past!! It was all out of passionate anger, and withdrawls from your yummy goodness, I SWEAR! It WONT happen again!

Now come, get into my mouth & we can er..snuggle..

Kisses & bites,

Small Talk Six 2/21

Todays 6 are "6 things you would be willing to flash someone for"

Seriously?? LMFAO. If you KNOW me.. this is simply HI-LARIOUS..

But I'll play along..

1- A brand new, paid off house, of my choice of course. I'm not greedy, I don't love mansions,I dont need to be a millionaire, just an old country style 4 bedroom wrap around porch with no neighbors & lots of land for me, thanks!

2-I made the same wish on my birthday cakes until I was about 16.. when I asked for a new car ;-).. for happy, healthy, nothing bad happening to, loved ones.

..maybe #2 should have been #1 huh?? LOL

3-For Mikes school to hurry the hell up & for him to land a good job!

4- Mike to start seeing things my way so we don't fight over how he hasn't yet learned I am ALWAYS right, duh.

5- My kids to not throw tantrums or push each other.

6- My pre Florida/baby body.. whhoooo!!!!

Eggplant Chili

I got this recipe from a fellow mom on AOL a year or so ago & woke up last week craving it.


So, I had my dad over this V-day ( My mom was visiting my sister) and made it for all of us & YUM YUM..it was GOOD!!

Eggplant Chili

6 tbsp olive oil
unpeeled Med. Eggplant, cut into cubes
1 cup chopped yellow onion

2 cloves garlic, crushed
1 cup green pepper, cubed
2 cups tomatoes, canned & crushed
1 tbsp chili powder
1 1/2 tsp cumin
1 1/2 tsp oregano
1/4 cup parsley, fresh, minced ( I used dried)
S& P to taste
2 cups beans ( kidney, garbanzo, etc, drained)

Chop veggies-


Heat EVOO in a skillet, add eggplant, onion, garlic & green pepper. Saute 10 minutes until softened.

Transfer to saucepan & add tomatoes, chili powder, cumin, oregano, parsley & S & P.




Cook over low heat, uncovered 10 minutes, Stir in beans & cook 10 more minutes on low.



My notes-

I browned some ground beef, took a spicy sausage out of the casings & cut up pepperoni & added it all, browned to the mix as well.. I HIGHLY recommend this! It adds a real spice thats just perfect!



I also added an extra can of crushed tomatoes to the mix, adding the meat it needed a little extra mositure/mush to make it *chili*


And of course..everything looks better with a bit of cheese on top!!!




Thanks M.E.!!!!!!!!!!!!

The things a mama hears..

..Over a newly well placed moniter in her 2 year olds room.

(Last night Andy was constipated, I was trying to show him not to "push the big turd out" ..he kept saying "Big turds comin, big turds comin!!!!" And getting really upset.. so..I was helping, not being creepy & weird.)

Kids are playing with cars in the bedroom, I flip on the reciever in the kitchen & hear,


((grunt)) Ooh ooh!! Ryne.. I's poopin a BIG turd. ((grunt grunt)) REALLY big turds a comin... uugghh uggghh ((grunt grunt)) Poopin turd Ryne.. I gotta BIG poop comin!! Gotta push it, gotta get it out!! ((grunt grunt))



AHHH HHAAA!! I'm sorry.. we find poops & farts hilarious in this house ( although, Mike recently revealed it isnt so funny when strangers are farting..its just gross & smells bad.. "Family farts are the only ones that are funny" he now says..)
So to hear Andys little voice telling Ryan all about what was going on in his diaper, was ppreettyy funny, to be perfectly honest.

Yep. Thats all.. someone tell me I'm not the only one who finds this amusing??

Cookin' sexy time.

I dont know about you, but I like to cook! And my husband likes to paw me..all the time.

Put me in the kitchen wearing this apron and I'll be thanking God for birth control.

Carolyn's Kitchen is bringing the sexy back with aprons & kitchen wear my friends!

Right now, if you check out Momdot you can enter to win your very own, or you can head directly to her site & purchase one of your very own.

You have to guess.. this one is MY favorite!

Check em out, and leave me a comment telling me which apron you would pick if you won your choice of one!

10 Months!

I posted this in my family blog, but thought I'd do it here as well b/c who doesnt love reading about adorable children, right??



My little( BIG) Ryan is now 10 months old!! I just cant believe it!

Here are 10 things about him,

1-Ryan can not only walk, but he can RUN!

2- Ryan can get on ( and off!) both the couch & (low) beds by himself.

3- Ryan can take his own diaper off.

4- Ryan likes to drive cars & trucks, he vroooms them acrossed the floor JUST like his big brother!

5- Ryan likes to pull his brothers hair.

6- Ryan LOVES the pets, he pulls Echos ears when she steals his Cheerios & he lets out screams ONLY emitted for the cats.

7- Ryan likes to repeat "Uh Oh" and attempt to say Andy's name.

8- Ryan LOVES Mommy. We have special snuggle/wrestling time on the floor when Ryan dives head first into mommy, giggles & rolls over head first onto the floor. He thinks its the best thing EVER.

9-Ryan is the size of an average 24 month old. Hes a beast!

10- Ryan is the happiest baby anyone who has met him, has ever seen. Friends, family, doctors. He is smiley, giggly & just all around HAPPY!

We love you Ryan!!!!!!

Small Talk Six 2/14

Today is the start of my Small Talk Six, and todays question/theme is-

6 most romantic or unromantic things that have ever happened to you

1. Romantic-Mike proposed to me on Captiva Island, sweetest day, 2005. I knew it was coming, but just didnt know when that day he would do it. As the sun went down, I told him "today has been the best" and gave him a kiss, he said "I think it could get better.." and got down on one knee.

Although I KNEW it was coming that afternoon, the anxiety & exceitment of when it would actually happen was as if I didnt know it was coming at all! I of course, teared up, said yes, put the ring on & we kissed.

As we turned to look out over the sun set, 2 dolphins started jumping about 30 feet away from the shore. It was like a scene from a romantic movie! To this day, Mike says "you dont even want to know how much I had to pay those dolphins to do that on my cue"

2. Unromantic- After Andy was born we went through a phase where Mike wasnt fabulously helpful, I'd shower at night & hear him RIGHT outside the door "Its ok buddy..Mom will be RIGHT back!!!" So.. I started guilting him a bit "I hurried as fast as I could, I didnt even shave my legs.." or comments here & there when we'd be alone about how I havent gotten the time to shave, or deep condition my hair, etc in a week. My birthday arrives & Mike is PUMPED for my gift "It will make something you complain about SO much easier!!!!" and he made it from Andy ( who was 6 months old) to ME.

I open it up.... and its THIS

Yes. That IS a bikini line .. shaver/trimmer thing. I blink for a second & say "Oh.. wow!" and Mike, super excited says "Yeah!! You dont even have to be in the shower to shave your leg with it!!! So, since you dont have time to shave, now you can do it whenever!!!"

... Honey.. the thing is like, an inch long, to do my legs would take HOURS. And it says right on it, BIKINI ZONE and its from my 6 month old. Needless to say, I later read an article that says the worse the gift, the more love a man actually tried to put into it, so I tell myself he REALLY loves me.

3. Romantic- Mike & I got married, on a whim. We were engaged & planning a wedding but I decided after getting pregnant, I wanted to get married all of the sudden. We picked a date that sounded good, May 5th.. Mike could take off work & it wasnt the local shooting day for my home town. Just the 2 of us went to the courthouse & got hitched. I played "White Wedding" on the CD player as we drove to Sanibel with the top down on the Jeep, we strolled on the beach where we'd gotten engaged & had a beautiful dinner at a gorgeous restaraunt. It may not sound that great to everyone, but it was perfect, for ME.

4. Unromantic- My ex, Chris, and EVERYTHING about him. In our 2 years we were dating, he never got me a birthday gift, a anniversary gift, christmas, etc. Both of our families were out of town on Easter & I decided to make us Easter dinner.. he chose to go golfing instead. I ate alone. He got me one thing, once, a diamond necklace... We'd only been dating 6 weeks at the time. Apparently he thought that & treating me like shit was good enough for the rest of our relationship after a necklace.

He was wrong, obviously. And that necklace needs a home, if anyone has a daughter, or themselves who would like it!

5- Romantic- Me at 8 months pregnant,kissing in the ocean with my husband. Gigantic stomach, stretch marks & a bikini were all out to make for a bad day, but seeing pictures of us later & feeling like a tabloid couple caught stealing a kiss with a gorgeous tropical back drop, I realized how perfect that moment really was. It was a kiss goodbye to "just us" and we hello to "all of us" in some ways.

6- Moving into all of our houses/apartments/condos. Of course, the first tiny crappy apartmernt when I was only 20 was the most romantic for obvious reasons, the duplex 1300 miles from my family was an adventure & the start of something I had NO ideas I was getting into, and moving into this house we're currently in, was at 7 weeks post partum from a c-section after an intense labor, a 3 day trip of 1,300 miles with a father in law driving a U-Haul & a 7 week old Andy in the back seat of a Corolla with me, our geriatric dog & a scared, shitting cat in the front seat..

But its romantic that first night in a new place, boxes all over,being EXHAUSTED. The take out food, a 6 pack of beer, being too tired to do anything but fall asleep. Its romantic because its the start of a new chapter in your life. Our first chapter was the 2 of us, typically drunk. The second was us ..well..I dont know what the fuck Florida was for us... but it gave us Andy!!! And this current chapter, we've added a new character to, Ryan! I'm looking forward to Chapter 4 that will be here in about 2 short years, it will unlock a door for ALL of us that will make things different than they ever have been before. But, now, I am enjoying Chapter 3 of our lives.

And I think THAT is romantic.

For more Small Talk Six, check out Momdot and read the same 6, answered by other awesome ladies!

Ooooh Booty!!!

I stumbled acrossed The Dirty Shirt tonight. At first I thought, Dirty shirt!!! Does she KNOW my husband????? Then I was quickly distracted by this awesome contest she has going on for Bikini Kitchen Booty Butter... I know, thats a mouthful right?

As a long time "I hate being pale" addict, I was instantly intreigued. Its my very firm advice that everyone go check out her page, read what she has to say about this AWESOME product which is making me cringe I want to try some so badly, and enter her contest!!

..And if you win.. share with me. Please??

My mind is a special, special place.

Today has been just nuts. Ew.. yes, I'm going to say it.. stop eating or drinking folks..

My creative juices are flowing!

(((gag))) I know.. thats as disgusting as the words "panties" and "moist" and no, NOT when used together, just in general.

Today I've been called twisted & hilarious. I dont think I've had such wonderful compliments of myself since my hot skanky days back in college!!

I was driving to BJ's to stock up on shit tickets & just couldnt stop smiling! I looked at myself in the mirror & thought "I AM still pretty!!!" and then it led me down my loving path of randomness.

When I put on a bit of makeup & smile certian ways, I amaze myself at how freaking cute I am. I mean, seriously. My husband is a LUCKY man. Then I try to take a picture to show people "Look, look at ME!! I AM pretty!!!" and I look like a fat pale cow. WTF?

It reminded me of my psychadelic mushroom days... When I was scared of the bathroom door, yet somehow found my way to a mirror where I smiled lovingly at my self & realized "WOW! THIS is how everyone ELSE sees me!!!!!!!" as my boyfriend turned into an oompa loompa.. I could go on, but the fact that I had a few trippy mushroom days & wasnt even a glimmer in my parents eyes in the 70's probably isnt ideal for them to read.

See? This is the whole point ofthis blog. I am SO fucking random it even creeps ME out.

Do you have what I call "Open ended questions." ??? You know, the ones that can never truly be answered? I have a bazillion, as the title of my blog makes quite apparent.

I think one that has always perplexed me the most is, do other people think like me, or am I actually crazy????

I sometimes have to take Rescue Remedy at night just to get my brain to stop creeping me out with the odd places it goes. See, here I go! I'm wanting to tell you about the other one I take that I call my "How to deal with your husband" drops. No no..FOCUS. That can be another blog.

But really, I could smell a peony wall flower from Bath & Body Works & I think "Ahh peonies..." then I remember the first time I smelled a peony! Do you remember those creepy bugs that were in the back yard that year? Ew.. I do! I remember picking them up when I was a kid in my parents yard.. One time, in my parents yard, my cousin hit me on the head with a croquet mallet.
WTF. She was like, 2 but I'm still a bit pissed about that, I mean, she hit ME & everyone was worried about HER! Man, I hold grudges a LONG ass time. Sort of like the one where I SWEAR my sister spanked me ( Please Mischa, what 4 year old ASKS to be spanked, ok???) Spanking.. hm.. reminds me of that movie Secretary..

Okay let me stop myself. The sad part is that was unscripted, I just gave myself a random thing to start with & that is literally where my mind ended up.

Now I have all sorts of stories I have to tell, my natural valium, my "love your husband" drops.. I could go on & on.

OKAY!! Stop! FOCUS CLAIRE!

My point is.. does EVERYONE think like this??? I KNOW I have ADD, I no longer take medication for it since well, I'm not in school & I'm nursing, I dont really *need* it any longer. But even if people DO think like this, how would I ever know? There is NO way to compare peoples thoughts, know what I mean here??

It drives me bonkers. I think that either I am seriously a super genius, or I'm just fucking nuts.

I think I just peed a little

Okay not really, but I COULD have I am THAT excited! Yesterday I came acrossed this lovely ladies blog Through Hazel Eyes and found a whole new world of blogs & blog oppertunities to *get out there* so to speak in the blog world.


Its called Momdot and its a great resource for fellow mama bloggers. I'm having a slow time getting through the site because our new Anti Virus program is creating some internet problems for me lately, and uh.. I'm not as internet/computer savvy as I'd like to think I am.


As some of you know, I've been blogging on Away in Arooba for awhile now, it started as just a way to not send out group emails, updates & stories to family, because lets face it. I spent alot of time doing that for all those emails to be ignored by people who dont care & to be missed by those who do. I would do my posts of utter randomness & sheer blabbering & I personaly, find myself absolutely HILARIOUS but I'm not sure my grandma thinks my rhymes to my cat of "What the fuck Chuck?" are quite as funny as I find them. So I started this blog.


I DO love muffin tops, they're the best part of the muffin. And I've wondered my entire life * up until last month, check THIS out) where squirrels poop. So I combined the 2 in a random quickly needed title to make a joke about a picture phrase I once severely messed up -

It was an EYE. a ROCK ( okay a STONE) and this...

(I googled cartoon AND muffin AND images & it looked like a freaking roll to me, okay???)

and my life long quest to find squirrel shit




( found it!! -->



Okay I'm getting off track.. I got comments today from people who

1- arent related to me and who

2- dont even KNOW me!!!!



And one even told me I am hilarious.. I think I'm in love with her now, poor woman has no idea what she's started....



I KNOW! This may seem like a small thing to some of you, but to me, its reassurance that someone other than my dear mother who has to call me funny, finds me funny!!! Its inspiration toi keep on keeping on, be myself & blog blog blog!! And thats what I plan to do


I fully plan to have my children watch LOTS of Thomas the Train while I obsessively stalk these poor unknowing ladies blogs, websites & find out how I too, can become a SUPER BLOGGER!!!!!!!!!!


Now..if you'll excuse me..I hear a call of "I gotta big turd mama" from the hallway.

xo!

PS- To all you lovelies leaving me comments, I'm having a ssllloowww time learning how to find all of you when some profiles arent available so, bear with me, I appreciate all of you TREMENDOUSLY, I'm just a little...slow at times.

Something I've been loving lately!

I am obsessed with dental floss. It all began back when they made some weird random cotton candy flavor.. and it was all over from there for me.

I've recently found my soulmate of dental floss. Crest Glide. Oh yes.. its the ultimate in dental floss. Have you ever bought the cheap stuff & it breaks off in between your teeth, leaving you needing dental floss.. to get the dental floss OUT of your teeth?? Ah, my friends. That is a mishap of the past! This is a smooth gliding ribbon I'd go as far as to call "silky." And my favorite part, it gives you a wintery blast of freshness between each tooth! It's amazing. I firmly believe EVERYONE needs to try it. Besides, dental health is directly corrolated to heart health my friends, so brush & floss away!!!

Its all true my friend..its ALL too true.

I had a realization today, well, just a few minutes ago actually.

You know how your mom tells you "Don't get a tattoo there, no matter what people say, they judge you differently when it comes to hiring for jobs!" And you roll your eyes? Well.. eek, I think shes right!!

No, this isn't about tattoos, its about being who you are & not worrying what other people think. Something I believe I do on here. As you guys know, on my other blog, I did some silly product reviews( you can also find them here, I am importing them to this blog as well). I've recently learned that it isn't just my joking around, people actually blog & make money, or run contests, or get free products to try & review from companies.


Oh,well that's nifty, and here I'd been just doing it as a joke!!!! So I have started the process of getting my blog more "out there", getting more readers & possibly getting into this whole (as they call it in the biz) "PR" thing.

I was submitting my PR's from Away in Arooba, of course. Then I stopped ( post application, duh) and realized.. That blog is now just for family stuff, I should import them here & use this as *my* blog, right??

Then I sat here for a minute & said "Well shitdamn. I wonder if I swear too much to be considered for something like that??" Hm.. That's a distinct possibility huh??

I guess its like all the other cliches.. "Your company is a direct reflection of yourself" and all those other ones you roll your eyes at until one day it hits you like a ton of bricks ( see, another one!!!)


..Wow.. its all true. Crap.





Yep.. So, for a brief minute I considered watching my mouth.. In that minute a cheesecake cupcake from Mikes birthday jumped in & forced itself into my stomach.. I mean, I didn't want it or anything, but it was just SO persistent!! As I struggled to resist the disgustingly yumminess of the cheesecake I realized..

Fuck it. If they don't want me for who I am, I don't want them either!!!

Cheers to being yourself, telling it like it is & never NOT saying fuck if you feel like it!!

PS- I lied. TWO cheesecakes jumped into my mouth.. those irresponsible assholes.

Baked Ziti

Ahh yes. Mikes FAVORITE meal! It all began with The Sopranos.. and it tured into my sister saying "If he isnt careful with that ziti, he'll LOOK like Tony Soprano!!" because it was ALL Mike wanted to eat. So, as last night was his birthday, I made his favorite for him... From scratch.. after a long, long, long day. THATS love.. ooey gooey cheesy love.

Baked Ziti

Tomato Sauce:

1/3 cup olive oil ( I just do 3 swirls around the pan)

4-6 cloves garlic, smashed

1 28 oz can diced tomatoes

2 14 oz cans stewed tomatoes

1/4 cup dried basil

1 tsp dried thyme

1/3 cup dry red wine

1 tsp salt

black pepper to taste


1 lb dried ziti

3/4 cup ricotta cheese

1 egg, lightly beaten

1/4 cup fresh parsley

1/2 cup grated Parmesan cheese, divided

3.5 cups shredded mozzerela cheese, divided


In a heavy pot, saute the garlic in oilve oil over medium heat until cloves turn golden brown. remove the garlic & discard.


Place diced tomatoes & 1 can of stewed tomatoes in a processor or blender. Pulse until corsely chopped. Pour into the pot with the remaining can of tomatoes ( I personally like to give the second can a little chopping too, the stewed tomatoes are too big for my taste, or use a can of smaller already chopped tomatos)

Add basil, thyme, pepper. Bring to a boil. Add the wine & continue cooking for 5 minutes, stirring often . Reduce heat to low & simmer 30 minutes.





Cook the ziti according to directions, but reduce cooking time by 1-2 minutes ( use your own judgement here, no one likes crunchy pasta, but no one likes it mushy either!!)




Drain, but dont rinse.


Return to pot & add a small amount of sauce, toss to keep from sticking.

In a small bowl, combine ricotta cheese, egg, parsley & 1/4 cup parm. cheese with a 1/2 cup of the mozz. cheese. I usually shred my own cheese, it tastes better & doesnt have the chemicals that keeps the shreds from clumping, however.. I had a long day yesterday.. so I used pre shredded.

Coat a large casserole or baking dish with non stick spray ( I use EVOO spray). Place half the pasta in dish. I use a large mug, its roughly equaly to about 2 cups. Or, a regular sized mug, is about 1 cup. Drop cheese mixture by the spoonful over the top of the pasta.

Pour about 2 cups of the sauce over the pasta. Add remaining pasta

pour 2 more cups of sauce over pasta.

Top with the remaining parm & mozz cheese.

Bake 35-40 minutes in a preheated 350 oven.

((((((drool)))))

Eat lots & lots of left overs!!