Sunday, January 17, 2010

Did I put on deoderant today?


 I was standing at Joanns today, amidst (amist?admist? is this even a word or did I just make it up??)  a long line, watching the little screen light up to tell us to move to the newly open register when it hit me.

The smell of wafting shit & garbage.

I looked to the lady in front of me & realized..
No fart can smell like this.
I believe it's an odor that can only be accumulated by massive months of no bathing complied with a serious lack of washing plus having  a car that's filled with junk

(who ARE those people & how DO they see??? I think she was a car hoarder, I just felt like she was.)

and as Mike just explained " I think some people just are at a level of gross that they have the inability to fully wipe."

Lets get one thing clear, I KNOW this smell was not me.

I mean..

It was NOT me.
I'd have been gagging on myself as I walked the store, it HAD to be this lady!

However, the next hour of driving & errand running, I was popped tic tacs, sniffed my pits & trying to huff my own breath ( hard to do) like nobodies business.

I even got out of the car to check my shoes for dog shit when I stopped at my mothers. I opened the windows in 30 degree weather as I started to gag thinking too much about this offensive odor & I swore I smelled it again. Perhaps I was passing the dog poo factory at the time.. I SWEAR!

It wasnt me!!!

So what the fuck?

Why am I still home, asking my husband to smell & huff all my body parts JUSTTOBESURE that it wasnt me??

And better yet, why doesnt everyone posess the same anal cleanliness (ha!) standards that I do??

Seriously?

I don't smell. I bathe, daily, and I brush & floss, TWICE! I admit, I dapple in the "No Poo" here & there because i know, your not SUPPOSED to shampoo daily but I often dont succede & lather the locks up daily.

Ugh, have you ever tasted something, that smells like something?
Or something smells like something tastes??
( Someone tell me this has happened to them & I'm not just insane)
I'm here gagging on the mucus from my cold as the thought of the smell lingers in my mind.

Now excuse me while I go douche my ass with bleach & cry because I am traumatized that the stench from that smelly lady at the craft store has latched onto my epidermis & is sinking into my very being.
 .

Photobucket

2 comments:

  1. LOL Claire, just imagine if you were pregnant and smelled that. I bet you would have thrown up right there.

    Rita

    ReplyDelete
  2. Lemme know how that bleach douche goes. I suppose since it's going up the ass, it'd be an enema, lol.

    ReplyDelete

Leave me something nice & pretty & full of compliments.
It makes me feel good about myself.